Orphaned boy Conan (Schwarzenegger) is enslaved after his village is destroyed by the forces of vicious necromancer Thulsa Doom (Jones), and is compelled to push “The Wheel of Pain” for many years. Once he reaches adulthood, Conan sets off across the prehistoric landscape of the Hyborian Age in search of the man who killed his family and stole his father’s sword. With beautiful warrior Valeria (Bergman) and archer Subotai (Lopez), he faces a supernatural evil.
- Based on characters created by Robert E. Howard.
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So, I was a big fan of Schwarzenegger movies in the 80’s. He helped to perfect the one-liner in action flicks (see Commando for some good examples), and while his action flicks may not be that realistic, they were a lot of fun. But, one of the films I never saw was Conan the Barbarian. Would this early flick be as good as the later action pics I remember, or is there a reason I never watched it before now?
Schwarzenegger takes the lead in Conan the Barbarian, of course, and while he’s okay, he hasn’t found his action flick with quips formula yet. Instead, he’s mostly silent, and could have been played by anyone with muscles. The late James Earl Jones probably regretted his role in this film, as, while he has a single decent speech, the rest of his performance mostly consists of staring at people and that’s about it. In fact, Max Von Sydow, in a much smaller role, actually has more opportunity to emote than Mr. Jones. The rest of the cast is okay, but aside from a giggling Mako, not very memorable.
The storyline basically pits Conan the Barbarian as a revenge pic. Basically, he grows up as a prisoner, after watching his mother and father murdered by raiders as a kid. He then goes on to seek revenge on the men who killed his parents. Unfortunately, it’s not just a straight revenge pic. He becomes a thief, and almost turns away from his revenge quest, but only keeps going after a person who he just met dies, apparently reinvigorating his revenge quest. It’s kind of odd, because rather than being all-consuming, he seems willing to toss the revenge quest aside just because. So why is the film set up as a revenge pic? If he’s willing to forget about it (even after he’s nearly beaten to death), why should viewers care?
The special effects aren’t as bad as one might think. There is an instance or two where you get those weird ghostly swirls of light (aka Raiders of the Lost Ark), but without the Claymation skin melting effect. The wisps of light may look a tad silly (especially when people are trying to fight them), but without the Claymation melting effect, it’s not as bad as it could have been. Other effects (like a man turning into a snake) actually are still pretty decent, even after all these years.
The weirdest thing about Conan the Barbarian, however, is the lack of actual visceral fight scenes. In a sword-and-sorcery movie like this, one would expect to see gaping stab wounds, heads being cut off, etc. Instead, it’s mostly implied rather than shown. People are attacked with an axe and fall off their horse, and the body shows no wounds (and either a small splash of blood or none at all). Maybe it was due to a low budget, but cheaply made movies have managed to make this less noticeable. This film, on the other hand, seems to highlight this lack of effect, and that just makes it stand out even more.
While Max Von Sydow and Mako are fun to watch in Conan the Barbarian, the rest of the cast – including Schwarzenegger and James Earl Jones – are largely wasted in this muddled and kind of dull action pic. In fact, the overall feel of the film makes it feel like a cheap copy of The Beastmaster (which came out the same year) with some notable names, rather than anything else. It’s even more surprising when you remember that this film actually managed to spawn a sequel (Conan the Destroyer).
